CENTRAL ISLIP - Former MLB pitcher Dontrelle Willis is enjoying his first season as a key member of the Long Island Ducks' pitching staff. "It's exciting to be playing here in the Atlantic League," claimed the two-time All Star who earned the NL Rookie of the Year award as a member of the 2003 World Champion Florida Marlins. "The community has been very supportive, we have an Italian Heritage Night coming up, but all of them damn kids need to cut it out with those Quacker noise makers. Every second of every home game is filled with non-stop quacking and violent threats. Who the hell came up with THAT idea?!"
K.K.S.
EIGHTH GRADER’S DODGEBALL VICTORY UNDER INVESTIGATION, STEROID USE SUSPECTED
BELLPORT – Lenny Wilson, 13, won a fierce game of dodge ball in gym class last week. His victory, however, was short-lived when several players on the opposing team were rushed to the nurse’s office with concussions after being pegged by Wilson’s ball. Authorities questioned the Bellport Middle School student for suspicion of taking performance-enhancing drugs.
“Lenny was always lanky,” said Coach Spalding, the gym teacher at the school.
“I should have known something was wrong when he showed up for class looking like the Incredible Hulk,” said Spalding.
Wilson denies taking any drugs, blaming a change in diet for his sudden onset bulkiness.
“My mom has been making me eat a lot of eggs lately,” said Wilson, “and bacon too; she puts it on everything.”
Coach Spalding has stated that Wilson’s win will not be entered into the books until it is proven that the newly muscle-bound teen is clean. However, Wilson, despite his willingness, was unable to be tested for steroids due to an extremely shy bladder.
D.Q.
“BIG GRANDPA JOE” WINS BOCCE BALL TOURNAMENT AGAIN
EAST PATCHOGUE - After burgers and baked ziti, the Tucci family held their tenth annual bocce ball tournament on Sunday. Little Vito, 12, and his big brother, Nunzio, 15, were sure that they were going to finally beat their grandfather this time, but the undefeated 83-year-old was the victor once again.
“He cheats,” Little Vito said.
“He makes these high, squeaky noises,” said Nunzio, “just as we’re about to throw our balls.”
The boys had prepared for the match for weeks, practicing their throws and polishing their balls. On game day, during the final match, they held a commanding lead after the first few rolls. But “Big Grandpa” came back with a fury, racking up twenty points in a matter of minutes, bringing him only one point away from winning the game. On his last turn, he lobbed a high air ball that his grandsons lost sight of in the sun.
“It disappeared,” Little Vito said, “and when we looked down at the polini, there it was.”
The game was all over, but the battle continued.
“Every time we lose, he makes fun of us,” said Nunzio. “He calls us sissies and Tinkerbell.”
Joe “Big Grandpa” Tucci has been playing bocce ball since he was 9 years old. When asked why he is such an ungraceful winner, he said, “I’m just breaking their balls. Besides, how else are those two mezza fanooks gonna become men?”
D.Q.
No comments:
Post a Comment