BROOKLYN/QUEENS

BROOKLYN AND QUEENS DENY BEING PART OF LI DESPITE GEOGRAPHIC PROOF

STATEN ISLAND - Representatives from Brooklyn, Queens, and both Nassau and Suffolk Counties recently met on Staten Island, or what they called "neutral ground", to discuss the stubbornness of the two boroughs to admitting that they are, in fact, part of Long Island. Neither borough would conceit their position, despite irrefutable proof that both are physically connected to the island.

"It's glaringly obvious," said Henry Lemberg, the Nassau County topography representative, "Brooklyn and Queens are geographically located on the land mass we call Long Island."

Adam Garri and David Flushstein, representing the boroughs, agreed that there is a "technical" physical association, but both men maintain that Brooklyn and Queens “transcend geography.”

“There’s a reason that people from out of state think Brooklyn and Queens are part of the city,” said Garri. “It’s not just about population and proximity. We feel like Manhattan.”

“Even people from eastern Long Island refer to our boroughs as ‘the city,’” Flushstein claimed.

The discussion took a wild turn when Lemberg, the Nassau County representative, denounced the fact that his county is part of Long Island. “We want to be the city too,” he said, citing Nassau’s high population density and rate of development.

Barry Haverson, representing Suffolk County, commented on Lemberg’s shocking declaration, “Suffolk County would like to be part of the city too, but someone has to be Long Island, and it might as well be us.”

Haverson added, “Besides, the Hamptons will never go for it.”

D.Q.

QUEENS MAN FEELS EVEN MORE JUSTIFIED IN HATRED OF ALEX RODRIGUEZ

FLUSHING - "A-Rod's the worst thing that ever happened to baseball and the world," Mike Rennati said while completely forgetting about the 'Black Sox' scandal, the 1994 players strike, the Dodgers leaving Brooklyn, the designated hitter rule, and poverty. "He's like the devil himself -- just with fewer redeeming qualities."

While the New York Yankees' much-maligned third baseman is currently on the 60-day disabled list with a chronic case of assholitis, Rodriguez has managed to find himself back in the spotlight due to not being smart enough to give money to the one guy who could testify against him. In A-Rod's defense, however, many of today's top stars are woefully underpaid and just getting by in today's economy. Just don't tell that to his biggest critic.

"$29 million this year to use PEDs that don't even work?! That guy is an absolute joke," Rennati said to no one in particular. "It's guys like him that make me proud to hate guys like him."

K.K.S.

FEMA IGNORES HURRICANE SANDY VICTIM, PRETENDS CAR STEREO TOO LOUD

FAR ROCKAWAY - A former homeowner who lost nearly everything during Hurricane Sandy is outraged after FEMA ignored her this past Friday.

"It's been going on since Day One," according to Linda McKenna, "but enough is enough!"

The 37-year-old single mother of three (who, now, lives with her parents in a cramped Staten Island one-bedroom) was waiting in line for donated blankets and toiletries when she noticed FEMA stopped at a red light on E. Scranton Avenue.

"I waved over, twice, but FEMA just acted like they didn't even see me. As soon as I can figure out a way to go online, again, I swear I'm unfriending them on Facebook."

When reached for comment, FEMA's response was "Yes, this is FE-- Wait, are you from the Rockaways? Hi-HELLO? I'm sorry, but I'm driving through a tunnel" before making that fake static sound.

K.K.S.

UNEMPLOYED NETS FAN JUST AS INEXPERIENCED AS COACH

PARK SLOPE (BROOKLYN) - Marcus Dumar, a recently-fired Key Food employee, is claiming that a "difficult" interview process sealed his fate and knocked him out of the running for the Brooklyn Nets head coaching job.

"It was down to just me and [Jason] Kidd, and I guess I just blew it on the multiple choices questions," a dejected Dumar said during the break before 3rd period.

While the high school senior is disappointed in the turn of events, he is keeping a positive attitude and remaining hopeful.

"Things happen for a reason. Besides, I was told that the GM position might be available soon."

K.K.S.