CUOMO SETS IDEAS AFLOAT FOR PROTECTING THE SOUTH SHORE

In the wake of recent devastating storms, Governor Andrew M. Cuomo has emphasized the importance of preparedness for the next inevitable natural disaster to hit New York. Teams of scientists, engineers, weathermen, and even local celebrities have gone to work on plans to protect Long Island's south shore. Dozens of potential projects have been submitted already, but there are two that stand out.

The first was proffered by Billy Joel. The singer/songwriter suggested that flood walls be built at strategic points along the shoreline to help combat strong currents and massive waves. Joel, a native to the Bronx, has promised to donate millions of his unsold CD's to use as building materials to construct the walls.

The second, celeb-centered plan was devised by actor Alec Baldwin, originally from Amityville. His proposition was not so much a strategy, but more a pledge to offer the lives of his three younger brothers as a sacrifice to appease the god Poseidon.

Gov. Cuomo, in response, said that though he appreciates their efforts, as far as city planning goes, "Mr. Joel and Mr. Baldwin shouldn't quit their day jobs."

D.Q.

LOCAL NSA AGENT TO SELF-PUBLISH FINDINGS

AMAGANSETT – Speaking under the condition of anonymity from his gated home, an NSA agent plans to self-publish his discoveries in the light of the recent scandal.

“I feel so much more connected to the human race now,” he said. “I’ve learned the beauty of the mundane.”

The agent said he now understands how to plan a dream wedding on Pinterest, where to stream Game of Thrones, and what #YOLO is all about. Once or twice, he added, he nearly jumped in when citizens complained about Facebook security settings. “Nobody’s safe. Ever,” he said. “Your employer may not see your frat house reunion photos, but I will. Also, you’re drinking like an amateur. Take it easy.”

He went on to call his surveillance experience “rewarding,” adding, “There were times when I would literally fall asleep on the job just listening to teens argue over what long silences between texts really mean. It was like ambient noise.”

For more information on the impending book release, or to submit your own disclosures, use the Twitter hashtag #ShitNSAFinds.

D.M.G.

SATIRICAL MEDIA OUTLET SATIRIZED BY LOCAL WISEASS AND COHORTS

PATCHOGUE, NY - A man sits at his computer, reading the latest humorous headlines from his favorite comedic news website. He thinks he's funny too, so he decides to write his own satirical news. Enlisting some of his fellow funny writer friends, he puts together a blog, blatantly ripping off the site that inspired him. And so, the LEEK was born...and there was much rejoicing and merriment...and perhaps even a bit of litigation on the horizon.





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the LEEK is an independent publication consisting of humorous works of satire, parody, and other forms of comedy submitted by a collective of local Long Island writers who work numerous part-time jobs and still find the time to be funny for your entertainment. And that is what the LEEK is all about: entertainment. You will find no real news here, only fake news. Please read and enjoy.

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