SUFFOLK/NASSAU

ADS FOR NEW DAIRY QUEEN TERRIFY ELDERLY MAN INTO SUBTERRANEAN RETREAT

MASSAPEQUA - Last month's celebrated opening of Long Island's first Dairy Queen restaurant was a cause of great confusion for one elderly resident, according to local authorities. After a three-week standoff, Nassau police were able to convince 'Grandpa' Jack Mulligan, 86, to come out of his underground bunker. Due to his lingering fear stemming from both Hurricane Sandy and Snowmageddon, Mr. Mulligan allegedly became alarmed when "The Blizzard is Coming" ads started popping up around town.

K.K.S.

LAW & ORDER COME TO STONYBROOK...STONY BROOK

STONYBROOK - Local residents are excited over the news that the hamlet and local university will be featured in an upcoming episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. "Not only is this is a great opportunity for me to finally meet Mariska [Hargitay]," said shop owner Judith Barnes, "but, hopefully, this newfound recognition will also get people to stop writing Stony Brook as one word."

K.K.S.

LOCAL MAN ABANDONS FAMILY FOR HIGHER STANDARD OF LIVING

CORAM - A longtime resident started researching the cost of living down south yesterday after realizing that having two jobs simply isn't enough to afford staying on Long Island. "I'm really disappointed in myself," remarked Paul Clifton, 34, a substitute teacher and overnight employee at Wal-Mart. "After I got my computer engineering degree at SUNY Oswego, I figured it was only a matter of time before things fell into place. Instead, I had to go to night school for teaching and move back into my parents' place."

Now that his dreams are long dead, Clifton currently shares the illegal basement apartment his parents rent out to a fourth-year Suffolk County Community College student. "We know it's rough for Paulie," Mrs. 'Mom' Clifton said, "but that's the world we live in now. Everyone I know is putting off retirement so that we can all afford to build extensions onto our homes in order to sneak around and pretend we don't have sex for a few more years."

According to a completely fabricated 2012 Census report, an alarming 78% of Long Islanders under the age of 30 have either decided to move out-of-state, die heavily in debt, or win the Powerball lottery. "I play only when it hits 100 million, of course," claimed Patricia Newell, 28, of Patchogue. "Because 40 million just isn't enough -- not with all of these Red Light Cameras."

While Paul's wishes were to remain a Long Islander for life, he has come to terms with how unrealistic that dream has become at this point. "It's just not possible to pay rent and bills, afford car and health insurance, keep a tank full of gas, AND eat at least once a day when you only work 70 hours a week. I really have no other option but to move to Virginia and buy a three-bedroom home for nearly half the rent I'm paying now. Besides, my parents are absolutely horrible when it comes to sneaking around."

K.K.S.

COMMUNITY SHUTS DOWN DUE TO MISSING STOCK OF COFFEE CREAMER

CENTEREACH - Tragedy struck a local community this morning after a delayed overnight delivery caused a local 7-Eleven to run out of Hazelnut-flavored creamer. Police are reporting no fatalities, but nearly a dozen customers were rushed to Stony Brook Medical Center and are now listed as being in unstable condition. Town officials are refusing to comment on why the store manager didn't borrow any from the 7-Eleven that's two minutes away, and they are clearly irritable and quite cranky.

K.K.S.